Happy Days

How do you spam a blog?

2005-11-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

I swear, some people have things all figured out. I don't even know how to work these blog things, but apparently you can spam the heck out of people who really don't WANT to be spammed in the first place.

Annoying.

this blog is closed for now

2005-09-14T18:33:00.000-07:00

I just don't have it in me to blog right now, between work, home, trying to get re-established on Flylady, and wanting to lose weight. My brain is mush. I'll be back when I feel creative again.

The results are in! (colonoscopy results, that is)

2005-08-22T07:29:00.000-07:00

After I made my last post about having to chug the colon blow, I started puking it back up. My kind doctor returned my phone call immediately and told me to stop drinking it. When I poured it down the drain, I cheered out loud and giggled. Happy days, truly.

I went to the hospital bright and early Friday morning. I was told to be there at 6:45 a.m., but found out that I wasn't scheduled until 7:30 a.m. That's okay.

The hospital, which I normally love, wouldn't let my husband walk back with me. Neither of us were happy. I asked for him to be with me when they started the IV, and the nurse declined. I wasn't happy. I've had five IV's, all of which he is standing with me holding my hand...not Friday. Instead, Nurse Grumbly did it and I braced myself. Five minutes into the IV, and my arm swells up in a big lump. I said, "Ok, something is wrong here!" It looked like an egg was going to pop through my skin - and I wasn't too happy. I started freaking out, and came darn near close to pulling the thing out of my arm myself. She removed it after an eternity passed, and another nurse came in to start another IV in my other arm. Technically, she put it in my hand. So guess what? I had two IVs that day. Joy.

As soon as the IV was placed and they were satisifed that it wasn't going to infiltrate (push fluids into my skin rather than the vein), Nurse Grumbly became my best friend. She started with a little dose of phenergan, which was for my nauseated reaction to anesthesia. No problem. Then, a dose of demerol. Probably a minute after the demerol was injected, I started smiling and could not make myself stop. I thought to myself, Yes, THIS is the part I have been waiting for. Then, another dose of phenergan. Another dose of demerol. My speech started to slur. "Whassss that wunnnnn nowwwwww?" I asked the nurse. "This is versed, it's what will put you out." Versed, oh yes, my friend Jenelle told me about this wonderful drug...I'll remember to thank her...my body was now feeling very heavy on the little bed, and I was suddenly cozy. I started looking at the monitor to evaluate my blood pressure. Hmmm...my sats were at 100% which I found amazing since I had a chest cold...that's all I remember, because Nurse Beautiful and Most Precious Woman dosed me up again, and the next thing I remember is grunting, "Owwwww...owwwww...owwww...." when I felt the roto rooter on my insides. My wonderful doctor told the awesome nurse something about "give her more" or some great news like that, and I was done. I felt Nurse not-so-great now rub me on the arm and say, "It's all over, you did great!" Then I was asleep again.

Someone parked me in recovery, where the former cheerleader (aka recovery nurse) came to wake me. Her blond hair, and white teeth, and peppy remarks were too much. "I need you to roll over on your back for me, okay?" I pried my bleary eyes open and saw those huge blue eyes looking at me. INo, lady, it's NOT okay. I have three kids between the ages of two and four, and I want to sleep! GO AWAY! But it was easier to roll over on my back than it was to talk, so I obliged. I felt some gas pains when I rolled over, but I rubbed my tummy briefly and they were gone. I asked for my husband, and was told, "Well, there are so many patients back here, it's just not you, so he can't due to privacy restrictions. Yeah, that sucks. That poor man wants to see his wife. I thought about complaining, but I was so tired. I closed my eyes again. Nurse Peppy came back with some ice. "Here, I'll raise your bed." No, lady, seriously, do NOT come over here. Shut the curtain, go back to whatever hole you came out of, leave me alone. She cranked my bed up and gave me a cup with ice and a spoon. I don't recall telling her I was thirsty. I don't recall telling her anything...so I held the ice and went back to sleep. She was back. "Are you awake in here?" I wasn't, until you disturbed me, hmmmm...how many times? I want to see my husband. I knew he was probably furious, because the clock said something like 9:30, and he had been waiting out there for more than two hours. She informed me that there was a tube in my rear end that she needed to remove. I was too drugged to be horrified. It made a little whoopy cushion noise when she took it out, and it was no big deal whatsoever. I didn't care. I was kind of hoping for a big orchestra woodwind section sound, just to give the nurse a thrill for her day. Nurse Peppy handed me my bag, and said, "Let's get you dressed." Only she walked out of the little curtained area, and left me to get dressed on my own. I thought about sitting there half naked until she came back, but I didn't want to scare the other patients...so I pulled my dress over my head. The whole reason I wore a dress is so my husband could help me get dressed easily. Now, I was sitting in a chair in recovery doing it all by myself while Nurse Peppy asked the patient next to me, "Mrs. Whoever, can you roll over on your back for me?"

Somebody put me in a wheelchair and took me to the front of the recovery room, where I saw my precious husband holding my red purse. He looked none too happy. I must have sat there for all eternity, waiting, and waiting, and waiting...and somebody finally came and wheeled me down to the car. Finally.

I don't remember getting home, but DH helped me to the bed. I don't remember much of anything else. I woke up at 4:30 that afternoon, was back in bed around 6-7 and by 2 a.m., I was wide awake. I did lose four pounds after the procedure, though.

In all, I learned that demerol, phenergan, and versed are a sort of wonderful trinity. I wouldn't say holy trinity, but they are certainly wonderful. The sleep was a welcome relief, and I woke up without red eyes and purple bags under them.

And it's all over.

My Colonoscopy Prep

2005-08-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

Well, again, since none of my friends/family IRL know about this website, except maybe one or two dear souls who I trust explicitly, I thought I'd share the story about my colonoscopy. It's scheduled for tomorrow morning. If you don't know what a colonoscopy is, well, it's where they take a camera attached to a flexible tube-type thing, put it in your rear, and take a peek at your insides. I'm dead serious.

Part of the colonoscopy, which is the worst physical thing I have ever endured, is the prep. This is where the doctor prescribes this drink, horrid, nasty stuff, and you have a limited time to guzzle it down. Let me assure you that this is quite honestly the worst stuff I have ever put in my mouth.

4:08 this afternoon, I began drinking my TriLyte. A gallon, mind you. I poured myself a nice big glass of it, a little excited that all of this is happening.

I took a sip.

I thought I would spew.

The instructions mentioned something about "rapidly drinking" the liquid rather than sipping. I did that. I had to hold my breath to get it down, and breathe through my mouth to keep it down.

It's bad. It's really, really bad.

Imagine, if you will, drinking salt water right out of the ocean. Minus the sand, of course, and without the little creatures, bacteria, and shells. But the nasty water that ends up in your mouth when you are out swimming. Now, imagine voluntarily drinking a gallon of this sloshy stuff.

My stomach feels like it is about to pop, and I have only consumed roughly half of the gallon. I want to cry.

As I type this, I am guzzling my fourth or fifth "dose" of this crap.

By 5:31, I was in the bathroom. Now, the instructions say to drink this stuff until your "bowel movement is clear and watery." According to my first trip to the bathroom, it won't be long until I have reached that point, thank-you-very-much.

I am just glad that I bought Charmin, the super soft Charmin with lotion.

Another thing I'd like to point out. The makers of this stuff call it a "pleasant drink with the taste of mineral water." I don't know *who* came up with that off-the-wall remark, but I'd like to assure them that this stuff certainly DOES NOT taste pleasant, or even remotely like mineral water. And that I will be so glad when my test is over tomorrow, because I will die a slow, painful death before I drink any more of this stuff.

The hospital instructions state that I will be sedated via IV for the procedure. I have never looked so forward to being sedated in my life.

Now, if you'll pardon me, I have some more Colon Blow to chug.

Thursday - I made it!

2005-08-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that I did NOT overeat today. I had a few tortilla chips at lunch, although Matthew enjoyed eating the majority of the basket. I had french onion soup - 150 calories - and for supper, I had 660 calories of pizza. That's it! Under 900 calories. Yay, me!

Anyway. I haven't felt so good today, my stomach has been aching since I woke up this morning. I'm ready to hit the hay tonight. Our tenth anniversary is tomorrow, and I am looking forward to spending the day (and night!) with my husband. Hopefully we will have a great day together.

Here's to losing another pound! I was at 173.4 this morning (I think) so hopefully I can get back down to 171 in a couple of days. It excites me!

I was trying on dresses today to find something to wear tomorrow. The 14's were absolutely falling off of me. I put on a 12 and it fit perfectly, which freaked me out completely. I didn't like the dress all that much, so I didn't get it. But the 14's were so big that they hung on me, and it was very strange. Especially when you consider that I used to wear 16's in dresses! How fun is this?

a little better

2005-08-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

This evening I drove over to Wendy's. I printed out their menu, along with the nutritional value stuff, and I decided what I would order. But then got to the drive through window, saw everything, and my careful planning went ziiiip! Right out the window.

I rolled down my window, decided to order a cheeseburger - let's make this thing biggie sized - and the thought hit me..."WHAT AM I DOING HERE???"

Before another thought entered my mind, I took off out of the parking lot.

I went to church, decided I really wasn't hungry anyway, and that I would be starving after church and could deal with my meal decision then. But before I left the house to head to church, I got a huge box of Fast Breaks, there were 21 packages with 10 fast breaks each(!!!!) and I donated them to our youth. Good decision #2...all in the matter of ten minutes.

I'm home now. I'm hungry. Thought about the cheese ravioli in the pantry...580 calories or something like that. No thanks. Still hungry. Thought about those chips...I'm pretty much burned out on those, so I'll pass. Then I spotted a can of green beans. I LOVE me some green beans. No one in my family eats them. I blew the dust off the can, saw that there's like 60 calories in the whole can...I popped those babies in a pot and added a teeny bit of butter (50 calories in that teeny bit, thank you very much!) and so my supper will consist of 110 calories if I eat the whole can and drink all the juice to include the melted butter. Which I won't do. Gag me! Ugh.

Maybe I will lose a pound or two. My period is due to start any day now, I am freaking crabby, my face is broken out, and I am miserable to be around. This shall pass. Soon, I hope.

Blech!

2005-08-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

I feel yucky today.

It all started last week when I had to eat fast food. (Had to = I get paid to do this from time to time.)

I ate a cheeseburger, and instantly felt like I was the size of a house.

Then I couldn't stop.

I had another cheeseburger last week. It was so heavy, it must've weighed like five pounds. And some fries. Yep, I had fries. Washed it all down with a Diet Coke, and a lump in my throat that said, "What did you just do???"

Then we picked up some stuff, including tons of chocolate, some pop tarts, and some ice cream. I've been pretty good with staying away from all that (the chocolate has 100/cal per piece and I try not to eat more than 3/day, which is still too much...but I digress) - and we picked up these EVIL things called Ritz Chips. Sour Cream & Onion. I have eaten those like they are crucial for my survival.

Guess what, my weight went up. It was 172 (actually it hit 171 before it started going up) and got to 175. I managed to get it back down to 173 this morning.

I had a very small amount of chicken and dumplings, made by yours truly, so I know exactly how many calories are in it and I didn't overdo it. Then, I had a rice krispie treat. 130 calories. Then, I had a TON of ritz cracker chips. I feel so bad about what I ate. It doesn't sound like much, but I'm not eating because I'm hungry -- I'm eating because that's what PEOPLE WHO OVEREAT DO. I do NOT want to gain this weight back.

So today, I was laying in my bed eating chips. (Don't think I do this often; I don't!) I was just taking it easy, something that doesn't happen when you have three kids. And I kept thinking about Sonic, or McDonald's...how their food is oh-so-tasty and how I could just go gorge myself on a big cheeseburger and fries...then I remembered how horrible I will feel afterward, and how I just got rid of my fat pants, and if I outgrow my new jeans it will be because I am just gross, fat, and have no self control. *sigh*

So for the last two or three hours I have been consumed with visions of burgers and fries. The very things that put me in this shape to begin with.

I am NOT going to go.

I am NOT going to eat for the rest of the day.

I am going to the grocery store, and picking up some fruit. Peaches, apples, nectarines. Some soups. Things that are actually healthy, that will curb my appetite, but won't make me fat(ter).

And I have a headache.

I do NOT want to be overweight. Technically I'm not overweight anymore, but I don't care. I want to weigh 165. Not 172. Not 173. Definitely NOT 175.

I have GOT to get these pounds off of me.

I have HIPBONES!

2005-08-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt my hipbones in years, literally!

I can feel them when I am standing up. When I am sitting down, they are still "hidden" underneath layers of chub, but they stick out when I am standing or laying down. It is such a good feeling! I forgot that I had them. I can't keep my hands off of them!

WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!

A history lesson

2005-08-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

When I walked down the aisle, I weighed a glorious 148 pounds. On my 5'11" frame, 148 was not a bad thing at all!

Nine years ago, on our first anniversary, I weighed 165 pounds. It was actually quite nice, I had a nice shape, and wasn't too thin or too heavy. It was a great size.

Eight years ago, when we moved to Fort Worth, I weighed 179 pounds.

Five years ago, when I became pregnant with Joshua, I weighed 189 pounds.

Four years ago, when I became pregnant with Matthew, I weighed 190 pounds.

Three years ago, when I became pregnant with Hannah, I weighed 206 pounds!

Then I was stuck somewhere between 200 and 210.

After having Hannah, and weighing somewhere close to 210, I lost down to 204. I felt terrific, I felt thin, I felt beautiful. ::shudders:: One day my precious husband gently talked to me about emphazing my good parts and not the bad. This is what he had been seeing:

So I went on a quest to lose all this blasted weight. Hannah just turned two, so it has been two years of hard work.

I lost down to 199, thought I was just hot stuff. Again, ick.

I lost down to 194, I realized I was a big cow, but I was just happy to be below 200. I longed for the day that I weighed 189.

I lost down to 181, and didn't see that number again for a year. As soon as it came, it left. I was back up to 193 within six months!

I weighed 185-186 for about six to eight months. You see, I had been following Atkins, which is how I lost the most weight. And while I am a fan of Atkins, because it DID work for me, you can get so addicted to finding out ways to "cheat" or have your favorite treats that you actually sabotage yourself with overloading calories. SERIOUSLY. You cannot lose weight if you are consuming more calories than you use.

So, I quit doing Atkins. And I started to change my frame of mind. "Gee, I am not really hungry." "Boy, this is a lot of food on my plate, I can't finish it all." And I quit gobbling down my meals. So what if the kids needed me for refills, or to clean up a spill, or whatever while I was eating? That just means my food will get cold, yes, but also that I won't be eating NEAR as much because it will give my mind time to adjust to my belly being full. Makes sense, right?

I started out at 184. A week later, I was down to 181. Then 179. I couldn't believe it! I hadn't seen 179 in YEARS! Then 176. Then 174. And after four weeks, I am at *ta-da!!!* 172 pounds!!!!

I can't believe I am this close to 165. I think my new goal will be 155, we'll see how I like that weight. This is very surreal!

2005-07-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Non-Stop Action

2005-06-24T14:32:00.000-07:00

What did I do today?

I'm so glad you asked. Let me begin by saying that I am just finishing my second week of Lexapro. It is supposedly for anxiety/depression, and I am on it for anxiety. My eyes were twitching uncontrollably, and I am happy to report that today, for the first time in almost a month, I have not had ONE SINGLE EYE TWITCH. Hurray! Then again, I haven't gotten in the car with the kids. Yet. That will be the true test.

I've washed about four loads of laundry, folded about six loads, and put it all away. I cleaned the kitchen, cleared all the clutter off the counters, and picked up the living room. (I dusted earlier this week, and it's not due again yet.) I ran the vacuum over my room, Hannah's room, and the boys' room, the hall, the foyer, and the living room. I SCRUBBED the kitchen floor. I don't mean I mopped it, I mean I got out my scrub brush and you can literally eat off the floor now. The grout is back to its original off white color. The house smells great, the laundry is done, the only thing I didn't do is the bathrooms.

Unfortunately that doesn't sound like a lot of work, but it took me FOREVER. It is 4:30 and I am just now sitting down. Now I have to go to work, and I am exhausted.

It's so much fun to be ME. :P

Go away, Tubby!

2005-06-22T19:29:00.000-07:00

that's what my scale would say if I stepped on it today.

I have no energy to eat right. I just eat whatever, whenever. And I don't eat out of boredom, I eat when I am hungry...but I am just making HORRIBLE choices. I want to cry.

I have PMS right now and it is superly over-the-top bad. I only want to go get in my bed, curl up with my pillows, and rest. I'm not much for conversation right now. I hate feeling like this, like I have noooo control over myself. What a joke.

Aunt Sherry and Colette

2005-06-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

This was just before we cut her hair the other night. She was a little bit scared, but it was okay. She did great through it all, and now she feels MUCH better!

She loves Sherry, though! And boy, do I love her back!

Homeward Bound!

2005-06-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

Miss Colette is getting out of the hospital today. HURRAY! I am so excited that I can barely see straight. She's going to UAB tomorrow, but for tonight, she will be here. I can't wait. :) :) :)

Saturday Night Live

2005-06-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

Friday was an interesting day. My husband came home from a week at church camp, and he was beat. But as soon as he got in and settled, and I got the kids ready for bed (8 PM!) I had to head to the hospital to help my sister. Colette's hair has been falling out and she had a great big tangled wad of hair on the back. I referred to it as a duck bill. LOL All this loose hair was tangled up with all the attached hair, so while I held her, Jason took my little sharp scissors and snipped away. And then we combed the long hair that was left (but not too much, because it kept falling out in our hands!) and just left it alone after that. There was hair all over me. But she said she felt better, and she wanted me to fingerpaint with her, and I felt okay.

Today has been rough. My bladder infection is still here, and now I am in a good bit of pain. The pharmacy was closed so I couldn't get my Bactrim this afternoon. But I'll get it tomorrow, and maybe I'll get some relief. I hope.

Anxiety Returneth

2005-06-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

I am worried to death about Colette. I know I should not be worried but I should trust that God will bring her through this to His glory, no matter the outcome.

It kills me to see my sister and Jason so sad. I don't want them to go through this!!! It puts a huge lump in my throat, I want so much to do more for them, to take this pain away from them. And my hands are just tied. So I will keep praying. I will ask God to give them peace and strength. Even Jesus wept...I know He understands.

So much stuff!

2005-06-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

I have been attempting to clean out my house today. I don't just mean clean the house (bathrooms, floors, etc.) I mean clean the place OUT. We have tons and tons and tons of junk that has just piled up everywhere. It is a total disaster. It wasn't so much of a "mess" mess as it was a cluttery mess. Of course, spend ten minutes cleaning out the utility room and you will find that the Dukes of Hazzard can get down a bag of cereal, pop it open, and spill it all over the living room.

I got one room done and then I took the kids outside to play in our little inflatable pool. We were all having a great time until Matthew gets in and out, in and out, in and out. I kept warning him to stop. Joshua dumped water on my head and I had my eyes closed. When I opened them, there were leaves, dirt, and grass EVERYWHERE in the pool. We were all covered. I had to get the kids out, get them dressed, and "lunched." Now it is naptime. I am so worn out already that I want to take a nap, too. I just might do it.

Matthew keeps telling me that his belly hurts. He got in the bed voluntarily and is already asleep. If I can get Joshua to go to sleep, I just might take a little nap also.

This is bound to be the most boring blog EVER. But hey, it's my life. :P

Catch of the Day

2005-06-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with a terrible headache. I was attempting to pick up some things around the house, and I just got a tremendous burden to go to the hospital to visit my sister. My mom came over, unexpectedly, and volunteered to keep the kids (!!!) while I went.

When I got to the hospital, I couldn't find my sister, Jason, or Colette. The hospital sent me in circles but they were nowhere to be found. I went back to the room and called Jason's cellphone, only to find that he was at work. This means my sister was at the hospital with Colette all alone. He asked me about the feeding tube, which had not been inserted yet, and I felt a little panicked. I know that would be too much for my sister to handle on her own.

I stood next to Colette's bed and admired her little stuffed animal collection that she had going, and that's when I noticed those silky little hairs all over the pillow. Both pillows were covered. I finally found one side that had less hair, and I turned it facing up. It made me sad, but I put my hands on her pillows and just prayed. I can't really tell you what I prayed for, but it came from my heart. And then I begged God, "Please, don't do this to my sister."

Shortly after that, the nurse came in. She said there had been no orders written for a feeding tube. What a relief! I knew Tammy wouldn't be able to deal with it. After a few minutes, they came back to the room and Colette was happy to see me. A little while after that, they needed to put in a tube to give her some contrast for another CT scan. I stayed in the room and Colette was a real trooper...no crying, no fussing, just doing what she was told by the nurses. What a little angel.

I am glad that I was able to be there. It ended up being about six hours in the hospital with the two of them, but I knew I was needed.

Speaking of needed, all these little kids are asking for chocolate milk. Duty calls.

My little Dukes of Hazzard

2005-06-12T19:50:00.000-07:00

Just some good ol' boys
never meaning no harm
beats all you ever saw
been in trouble with the law
since the day they were born

This song was written about my children, I'm convinced! I'm the mother of Bo, Luke, and Daisy Duke. They are good kids, but always finding a way to get into trouble!

She's here!

2005-06-07T05:41:00.000-07:00

Colette came home from the hospital yesterday. Right away she was happy to see Sherry! Well, what can I say? LOL Man I was happy to see her too. She is awfully skinny, but that is to be expected.

She wanted me to come sit by her, so I did. And when I sat down, she looked at me. It wasn't the kind of look that Aunt Sherry normally gets...it was supernatural. It was almost in slow motion, sort of like something you'd see in the movies. Ok here's what it really felt like - it was like there was someone ELSE in there, giving me that look, signalling that they were fighting this fight for Colette. I don't mean, oh, Colette looked like she had strength, but I mean it looked like it was someone else. An angel maybe, definitely something supernatural, but it was NOT my two year old niece. It was not scary, but very unexpected. It could have even been the Holy Spirit through her body giving me peace.

I'll just roll with it. Heck, I have no idea how God works, but I know He can do anything.

Is it Tuesday, or is it worry day?

2005-05-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

I just found this picture of me and Colette. I had no idea that I had it on my computer. This was from this past Christmas.

She's having a bone scan this morning. It was scheduled for 8, so there is a good chance that she is having it at this moment. I don't know when we will hear back about her biopsy results. I'm trying not to worry, but it's not working.

Cancer

2005-05-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

Well, since my family doesn't know that I have this blog, I figured I'd come here and post my heart out. So here goes.

My beautiful little 2 year old niece was diagnosed with cancer this past Wednesday night. She's been sick for a while. We figured it was something gasterointestinal, then possibly lead poisoning...but no idea whatsoever that it could be CANCER.

I am absolutely beside myself. Craig had to leave for Guatemala the next morning at 4 a.m. They (my sister) started calling me at 6 a.m. to tell me that the baby was being transported by ambulance to UAB. I got probably one to two hours' of sleep that night. By noon, I was a zombie. Not in the sense that I was tired, but in the sense that my emotions had overtaken my ability to think, react, respond, talk, drive, everything. I saw my doctor (who incidentally delivered my niece) and he gave me a prescription for Xanax. My face has been twitching and itching like crazy, and that's when I know it is time to take more. On top of all of that, I have been sick with a chest cold and cough. So by Thursday and Friday, my voice was gone. I was not sleeping. I am scared. I feel terrible.

I want God to restore my faith. I am scared beyond words. There is so much more that I want to say but I can't even type it out here.

I want my husband to come back home. I know he is worried to death about me. I need him so much.

A letter to Trixie

2005-05-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Trixie,

For years I have wanted to tell you how much I respect and appreciate what you did for me when we were in the ninth grade together.

I struggled my freshman year after Shawn broke up with me. He was my first love. And since the group we hung out with decided they would rather be friends with him than me, well, I was left at a huge high school with no friends. I would sit by myself at lunch time. I was very lonely, scared, and miserable.

You and I met in Mrs. Clements' fifth period Biology class. We weren't really into Biology all that much, so we passed notes back and forth. We passed tons and tons of notes to each other. It was so great! We really got to be good friends, and I told you all about how much I loved Shawn and how he dumped me. On the speakerphone. And how I didn't ever think my life would go on without him. (You know, all that dramatic teenage relationship stuff.)

By March, you and I had really gotten to be close. I told you that there was a guy named Craig who was interested in me. I really didn't like him all that much, but he was a nice guy. You encouraged me to try to look at him in a different light. In fact, I held on to the note that you wrote me that day. It was long...a whole page...you were telling me to "give him a chance" and "not base the decision on physical appearances" but if he was really a nice guy, I should go out with him and have a good time. You made me promise to look at him with different eyes, and I did.

I have been wanting to tell you that I married Craig. That because of your attitude, and because you were willing to share your heart with me, that you changed my life. I wanted to tell you how much I have always appreciated you for doing that. You knew my misery, you knew how very much I loved Shawn, and you knew how hard it was on me to start over. But you were my friend, and you loved me, and you wanted me to be happy. Thank you so much for that.

Tonight, after almost fourteen years, I ran into you in Wal-Mart. You had three little boys with you, all beautiful children. I approached you and said, "Is your name Trixie?" You hesitated and said, "Yes....?" Then I re-introduced myself to you, and you hugged me. Right away I started to tell you how much you meant to me, and how your words changed my life. But before I could get a whole sentence out, this is what you said:

"This is kind of uncomfortable to tell you but do you know that I married Shawn?"

Trixie, I am grinning from ear to ear. I could tell that you have struggled with that over the years. I looked at those beautiful little boys and could instantly see their Daddy. You know something, Trixie? It is okay! A junior high first love may have changed my life back then, but stopped affecting me a long time ago. You deserve the happiness. You are a good person, you were a wonderful friend, and I am so grateful that you were a part of my life.

I hope you have some peace now. Believe me when I said, "That is definitely water under the bridge...that was so many years ago..." I mean it. I don't think about Shawn EVER. We were kids. But you had wisdom beyond your years.I love you, Trix.

I hope your life is happy and full. Because of you, my life IS.

Love,
Sherry

Just around the corner...

2005-05-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

Summer's coming.

That's right...summer. Now I don't mean the time of the year when the air is hot, and you sweat from just looking out the window, but summer. The time of the year when wonderful little sweet boys are out of school and are home alllll daaaayyyyy loonnnnngggg.

Matt's last day of school was today. Joshua's last day is tomorrow. I have to get together a calendar of things we are going to do all summer long, including planting flowers outside, putting up our pool in the backyard, having story days at the library, and doing things together. I am very nervous about this but want to be a good Mommy this summer, and I want to spend a lot of time with them. It's going to take a lot of planning but I think I can pull it off. I want us to really have some great times together, none of which involves me working or using the computer. I think it can be done.

Am I being forgotten?

2005-05-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

I just feel so sad lately.

Yesterday I was driving home and had to pull off the side of the interstate so I could bawl my eyes out.

There are so many things that just make me terribly sad. Sometimes I just want to shout at people and say, "DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!" It's not just one person, lately, it's almost everyone.

Don't forget:
1. I am still the same person I was last week, and the month before that, and the year before that.
2. I still need friendship and communication.
3. I still like getting notes, e-mails, or comments that let me know you are thinking of me.
4. I still like being invited to do things that don't necessarily involve children.
5. I still like being invited to do things that DO involve children.
6. I still like to hear that I look pretty.
7. I still need to know that you are happy I am in your life.

I need words of affirmation. And maybe not physical affirmation as much as emotional affirmation. I need to hear that I am loved. That I am irreplaceable. That I am important. That my thoughts and opinions matter.

I need to hear this from everyone. I hear it from my children on a regular basis, and I love it. But I need it from the grownups in my life, family and friends. This is what I need. I need to feel important.

Mean, heartless man!

2005-04-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

Our church had a yard sale this morning. Everything was located inside the gym due to some heavy thunderstorms.We were there for close to three hours (me and the kids.) Joshua found a "Batboat" and a Batman, which he paid for. He carried them around proudly and was SO excited! A little while later, he came running over to me with a Batmobile. He was just thrilled to death...the Batmobile is a grand treasure around here. It was huge, too, and we were so excited. These toys were not in great condition, very used, dirty, but stilll...it's a batmobile.Fast forward about three minutes...Joshua comes running to me heartbroken. His toys are gone. He can barely talk. I asked him what happened, and he couldn't get the words out. "Baby, what has happened?" This is his answer: "That man took my toys away from me." "What man?" "That man in there." So I march myself right around the corner and sure enough, there is a man loading all of the toys from a large box into bags to take home. I said, "I'm sorry but you have some toys that my son paid for this morning." And the guy is steadily loading them up. Never stopped, never apologized, Joshua is crying...so I reached into the bag until I found the two things he had paid for. The guy said, "Oh Well!" As in, "Oh well, too bad for you!" WHAT A FRICKIN IDIOT! So we left the big batmobile and I explained to Joshua that it was the man's, he had already paid for it. I was very upset and Joshua was heartbroken.Craig approaches the man and helps him load the bags of toys into his vehicle. He said, "I'd love to buy that Batmobile back. Just name your price." The guy stopped for a second, said, "For who?" and Craig said, "For my little boy." The guy said, "Nope, too bad."I had to explain to Joshua that sometimes grown ups aren't nice to kids. But there are a lot of other ones who care about children. I hope that man gets what is coming to him. If he had said, "Gee, my little boy loves Batman too" or something we could have really understood. But he was SO nasty, and so hateful to Craig, and so snotty with me and Joshua...you just don't act like that to people.BTW, he was only about 35 or so. Surely he didn't have any reason to be so nasty.

I can do anything for 15 minutes!

2005-04-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

I have decided to take a little break from the rigors of my day. What rigors, you ask? Well, I'd LOVE to tell you. This morning I made my usual stop at the Y, which is getting to be a very nice habit. My scale isn't going down but I have lost three inches overall in the last week. I can deal with that. Anyway, I came home and got a shower while Miss Hannah was napping. (She has been asleep for the past three hours, I really should wake her up!) I ate a little bit of chicken salad for lunch and got started on my kitchen. It was nasty. I just scrubbed it down last week, but being a kitchen, you know, it gets lots of use. I haven't seen my sink in probably four days. So I buckled down and scrubbed everything, and cleaned the floor again. It smells soooo nice and Mr. Clean in here now.

I have a little bit of ironing to do and one small load of laundry to fold and put away. Craig told me that it is really easy to keep up with the laundry if you fold it and put it up right after it comes out of the dryer. You know something...he's right about that. I wasn't raised doing it that way...I was raised to let it pile up on the couch and fold it all at once. A lot of people I know are the same way. Fortunately I took his advice and I am staying on top of the clean laundry. I just have to get on top of the dirty laundry.

I have a living room to dust, floors to clean, bathrooms to clean, and my bedroom to clean. I also have to change the kids' beds. So I guess my little ol' fifteen minute break is up. But that's okay. I like coming here and writing down what I have done all day so I can look back and see how long it was since I last did it (like mopping the kitchen floor, I did it last week on Monday and this week on Wednesday!)

I have such a boring life. But I like it this way. It is comfortable, practical, and predictable. I like it.

Ima Little Nuts

2005-04-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

I had the most incredible dream last night.

I dreamed we were getting ready to go on our cruise. I opened my drawers and closets to pack my bags, and I had all kinds of beautiful new clothes to wear. I didn't have a suitcase, so I had to carry arm loads of stuff with me. (My subconscious is VERY much aware of my disorganized lifestyle.)

I made several trips back and forth from the car to the house to make sure I got the camera, pillows, and everything else. It was my last trip in when I realized that I had forgotten my purse.

But finally, we were at the port and were getting ready to board the ship. They lowered the big walkway and my kids were with their grandparents waving at me. And just as we started to step out onto the walkway, Matthew came and climbed in the bed. I was very, very sad to miss out on such a lovely experience. I was taking a free cruise! *sigh*

Tonight my kids are making me crazy. I love 'em, but they are making me a little nuts. They all have very strong personalities and very loud voices. LOL. They are my babies.

I heard the news story last night about those babies in Georgia that were found in the pond near their home. I thought my heart was going to pop out of my chest. I had to go wake up my children and hug and kiss them. I thought about their mom and dad who will never see their babies again, and here I am wishing mine would go to bed so I could have a little peace and quiet.

I am so grateful for their noise, their laughter, and their temper tantrums. I am so thankful that our home is full of life, of love, clutter, and chaos. I am who I am because of my family. I would be a shallow, heartless individual if it weren't for the love of my husband and kids who make me a better person.

With that being said, Hannah is in my purse and the boys just opened the safety latch on the movie cabinet and took out a DVD. And a lady from the church stopped by and asked to come in. I cringed. But I let her in. And now it is time to return to my duties as a mom and wife.

Spinning my wheels

2005-04-25T15:29:00.000-07:00

I am getting nowhere.

I have been trying to clean my house today. The problem lies in the fact that there are five people who live here but we have enough belongings for twenty other folks.

My goal was to get the laundry under control. It didn't happen, although I'm not giving up. I'll be doing it until I go to bed tonight, and that's okay. My kitchen is backed up severely. I normally keep the dishes washed, etc., but for two days I didn't run the dishwasher and I'm paying the piper now. Looks like I might have to break down and actually wash some things by hand...like I did all weekend in the camper...which reminds me, my dish drainer is in the camper. So it looks like those dishes are going to have to wait their turn for the dishwasher. :o)

I went to the Y today, and I took my spinning class followed by a power lift class. I thought I would fall over dead when we started doing lunges in PL. The instructor looked at me and said, "Are you okay?" I told her, "Yep, it just hurts more today." And I kept going, no worse for the wear. Two hours of working out, a trip to the grocery store with Hannah, unloading the groceries and realizing I forgot dog food, going back to the store with Hannah so our dog won't starve to death, coming right back to the church and getting the boys from school, sitting down to have a nice LC hot dog, getting up and doing laundry/ironing, filing away a week's worth of paperwork that covered my futon, cleaning Hannah's room and clearing out clothes that now belong to Annabelle, and then realizing that it is 5:00...time flies. And I am tired, I need a shower, and I need some sleep. And I need something else on my TV besides Teen Titans and Strawberry Shortcake.

Aaaaahhhh, the life of a woman.

Well, the dryer stopped. I guess that buzzer is calling my name in the language of G.E. I should be more fluent in that language!

Peach Rings

2005-04-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

It never fails to amaze me that small, insignificant happenings in the daily occurrences of life can be just cause for a child to throw themselves on the floor and throw an enormous fit.

For example, try those precious Trolli peach rings. I happen to love them dearly, although I am no longer eating them. (Think: Low Carb.) I did buy some for my children the other day. (Think: Bribe.) It is a rare occasion that Mommy allows them to have candy, much less buys it for them. But I bought a bag in the hopes that they would be quiet for a few minutes while I took care of some paperwork while they were strapped in their carseats.

Mixed in with my paperwork this afternoon, Hannah found the corner of the bright orange bag and instantly knew what was in it. I only let them have two the other day, so the bag was relatively full. Again, in the hopes that she would give me a few minutes of peace while I searched for puppet skits online, I gave her one. Then Matthew appeared. "I want one!" So I gave him two. I figured it would be good for a few minutes, right? Nope. Instead, there has been a steady stream of two children rotating in line asking for more. They finished off the bag. When there were no more peach rings to be given, Hannah threw herself down on the floor with big ginormous tears. I could discipline her for throwing a fit, but I really saw it as pointless since she is not quite two and she has no idea that all gone means all gone. She's learning. I apologized to her, but figured that life is full of things we don't like and she would get over it in a few minutes.

And of course, a few brief moments later, she stopped crying. I looked down just in time to see Matthew pulling a piece of his peach ring apart and placing it in her little sticky fingers. Then he put his forehead against hers and looked at her while she put her piece in her mouth. And for just a moment, I saw that bond and connection that my two youngest have. Even with something as simple as peach rings...that bond is there.

I am Rubbermaid

2005-04-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

Today I came to realization while standing in my kitchen putting away leftover chili from my low-carb hot dogs. I am Rubbermaid.

Some women get to be fine china or crystal. They are perfect and flawless. They are always sparkly, shiny, and set out when other people need to be impressed. I'm not china or crystal. Then some women are everyday dinnerware. They are durable, tough, and virtually unbreakable. Some of them are pretty, some are just plain, but they are indestructable. I am not everyday dinnerware.

That leaves me as being Rubbermaid. Yep, Rubbermaid. I am the container that gets stained up. The bowl that gets all the water spots in the dishwasher, and the halfway melted sides but you keep using it anyway. The container that has a lid that doesn't quite fit, but if you stand there and put enough pressure on it, the lid eventually snaps into place. That's me. I am that container that sometimes holds good stuff, and sometimes I hold stuff that no one wanted in the first place. I am the bowl that you stick in the back of the fridge and realize two months down the road that it's still in there. Sometimes the stuff inside gets really nasty and disgusting, but it takes being washed out to be useful again.

That's me. I may not be the first thing people look at, and I might not draw attention, but I am still useful. Stained, a little misshapen, but I am still important.

I am a mom.

Scrubbing and cleaning and...

2005-04-18T12:49:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

Boy, kids are messy. I have been cleaning my house this afternoon. There are little handprints EVERYWHERE. I guess I tend to overlook them, but today I decided to go on a cleaning spree. Armed with my Fabuloso, I set out to destroy all the little grimy marks that are just a little less than three feet up on the walls. LOL I sprayed, and I scrubbed, and I sprayed...repeat...you get the idea. There were handprints on every single cabinet in my kitchen. The refrigerator was covered. The wall by the back door...ick...and so I stopped there. I had to clean my kitchen floor, and that took my focus. But before I cleaned the floor, I swept my ceiling and cleaned the ceiling fan. I feel just a little bit better about it now. All I have left to do is file my paperwork in the living room and put away my scrapbooking materials that have taken over the top of the piano (read as, out of the reach of children.) All of the kids are sound asleep. I let them play outside while I was cleaning the kitchen, and boy, did they have a good time. Hannah really tries to hold her own with her brothers! That's my girl. She was on the trampoline bouncing with them, that sweet blond hair flipping up and down like gold...so sweet. She came in and her nose was black, her hands were black, and she was grinning from ear to ear. She loves being outside with her brothers.

All right. I guess this is enough of a break. Fortunately I got my kitchen scrubbed down yesterday, so I figure if I can get my bedroom and bathrooms cleaned while the kids are napping I will have REALLY accomplished something astronomical, especially because I have to work for the next two days.

The Good Drugs Aren't Working Anymore

2005-04-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

Ohhhh....last night I fell off the bed. I was trying to get in it but ended up landing on my backside. I think I have bruised my tailbone. It is horribly difficult to sit down for more than about five minutes. *sigh* Unfortunately, there is no pain medication available to me that relieves this. I was able to lay down this afternoon when the kids were down for a nap, but Matthew woke up just as I fell asleep. He climbed in the bed with me and watched Batman and Strawberry Shortcake (Thank heaven for TiVo!) while I dozed in and out. Tylox has a way of making me very, very sleepy. Once he started asking for cookies, though, I had to get up. I knew he'd be climbing in the kitchen to find a snack. It is fun being a mother, even on days when your backside feels like a giant bruise!

"Mama, look at my head. Mama, watch this. Mama, look at my eyes." That is my beautiful son trying to get my attention non-stop. Guess I'd better go give it to him. ;)

It's been a great day!

2005-04-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today was a baby shower for my SIL, Kate. She has really wanted a baby for a long time, and last year at Christmas she told us she was pregnant. She found out this past week that the baby is going to be a girl, and we are all thrilled. Kate and Annabelle got a bazillion gifts today, and every single bit of it is useful. They got a lot of blankets that are handmade, and it just doesn't get any better than that. I made a small scrapbook for Annabelle, and it took hours and hours to do it. But I think Kate and Ryan really liked it, and that is what it is all about. :) I was thrilled. Well I have lost my other blog, so I had to start a new one, and now I am thinking about doing this on a regular basis. I'm a little nervous about it, but I think it will be okay.